STICKY STAGS

DIVISION 5 PLAYOFF FINAL

Warning – This match report is not for the faint at heart (profanities and general uncomfortableness will be felt)

Ten matches ago Edward’s Mansfield Town (otherwise known as the Stags) were unbeaten in 13 matches but still sitting 7 points adrift of the playoff positions. Edward fired off a rocket in the direction of automatic promotion hopefuls York and Cambridge. He stated that although he felt it unlikely, if Mansfield did make the playoffs that he wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. That statement came back to haunt Cambridge in their division 5 playoff final in the most unusual of circumstances. Similarly to the semi final against Stockport Country, Cambridge United dominated the match with 61% of the possession. The long and the short of it; despite their dominant possession Cambridge were unable to capitalise and the match ended in a 1-1 draw to be decided on penalties.

But that’s when things were to become really peculiar...

The Stag’s fans roared at the final whistle but the atmosphere was soon to turn dark. Stag fans were seen decapitating chickens and humping their neck cavities, others were seen dragging Cambridge fans into the corporate seating and forcing them to sit under glass top coffee tables as they took turns defecating on the glass.

A wave of shit hit the air and you felt that the Cambridge players may let the scenes and smell get to them, and clearly it did. Cambridge missed 4 of their spot kicks as Mansfield fans sat behind the goal posts furious masturbating.

It was all too much for Cambridge manager Grant Cameron who was seen spitting into the stands and hurling abuse in the direction of the Mansfield fans. Grant Cameron would come to regret that decision as he was return volleyed with 1500 supporters love seed as they watched their Goal Keeper Sascha Studer save the final spot kick.   

It was a sticky spot for the Cambridge manager as he made his way up to the owner’s box to discuss his long term future.