Britain's Got Talent, But Not in Blackburn

Katie Hopkins and Simon Cowell were hosting the Rovers celebrations, and they were unimpressed with what they saw:

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Katie: "Peterson claimed he'd finish second no more, but what he doesn't know is that he'll always be second place in his WAG's affections."


Simon: "... in addition to coming off second-best in a tequila guzzling contest to a Mexican, and a Whiskey drinking challenge against an Irishman named De Silvestri!"


Katie: "That's just what happens when you've got 'Nil' in your name, I suppose. Speaking of zeroes, there's David Dunn..."


Simon: "David DONE more like it! He's tried to pull birds all night and struck out with every one. Even the ten-to-two girls aren't having it..."


Katie: "...and they were the squad's WAG rejects! Wait a minute Simon, weren't you turned away from Bertrand's pad for the orgy recently?"


Simon: "Let's move on, Katie..."


Katie: "What's the matter Simon? Those little blue pills weren't cutting it, I heard, and you remained in One Direction all night..."


Simon: "Those allegations between me, Harry and Zayn are vicious lies..."


Katie: "Simon, I meant you couldn't get it up, not actually in to one of the lads..."


Simon: "Well, by the look of you it'd be bloody hard to get anything up, wouldn't it! Moving on... we have some terribly off-key singing by the Rovers faithful. They'd never get past the audition at BGT or Idol. Maybe x-Factor. They'll have anyone, even you!"