An unnamed source within the French football camp provided an impromptu interview for a throng of waiting journalists:
"Colombia has given the world many good things; Shakira, Sofia Vergara, Colombian Charlie, booty-shaking contests, and universal acceptance of comedy hairstyles, like senors Valderrama and Higuita.
This Colombian team had none of those. Well, maybe they had the charlie. I mean, I've never seen a team with chalky powder under their nose BEFORE they take the field, but I digress.
Laurent Koscielny popped up with a goal in the unlucky 13th minute, and it was enough. Kos has been a rock in defence, which is a surprise because he's been a wet-paper bag for his club.
It was then that I realised Colombia had been training with Kim Jong Un's personal bodyguards.
That's how brutal their tackling became. Even the normally unflappable Benzema reverted to his Marseille gangbanger days, resulting in an unfortunate red card in the 37th minute. He will now be suspended for the final, but we have Griezmann and Giroud vying for, merde, we're doomed...
...ah, excuse my mental lapse.
To our weird alphabet opponents we say this:
Czech yourself before you wreck yourself.
We have warned the hotel staff about the risk of your bounced Czech payment,
and for all the chess lovers, Les Bleus for Czech mate in 90 minutes."
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