Ice Cream and Donkeys

RED = Beddows
BLUE = Gino
BLACK = Narrator

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon in Prestatyn, while the rest of the SM world was in crisis over ‘maintenance’ issues Beddows had invited some Div 1 managers to his new Prestatyn home, it was supposed to be a 3 way between 279 managers, Beddows, Hirst and Gino but unfortunately Frank neglected to attend in favour of a trip to Conway Castle but Beddows and Gino enjoyed each other’s company over a donkey ride, ice cream and a selection of continental beers in sunny North Wales and here is what they had to say.

As the helicopter arrived and Gino exited the two managers embraced in a non-European way with a handshake on the Prestatyn helipad and Beddows quickly introduced Derby’s Duke to his entourage and introduced his favourite donkey for Gino to ride, Yakult.

Beddows and his donkey, Andrey with Gino and Yakult on their way to the beach for ice cream and beers

Stephen, the move to Liverpool has been met with mixed feelings in Blackburn. Some are fuming that you have left them in the lurch after getting them relegated while others are dancing with joy because you got them relegated and you are now gone. Can Liverpool fans expect to be feeling the same way at the end of this season as you get them relegated and then fuck off to the first available top flight club?

Gino it was a tough call, one of the most difficult of my 6 (wow 6) years on SM, Blackburn had become my home, Nils, Bertie, Rivas and Zoet had become like family to me… more so than Mrs Beddows to be Frank… and as I hate Liverpool with a passion that made the decision ever more difficult… alas… Liverpool United as they have now been renamed are a project of mine, a project I intend to succeed in just as I did at Blackburn.  

What ice cream are you going to have on the beach? It’s a great place you know Wales, calm and relaxing… I’m sure with rumours of your pending retirement a nice job by the sea would be much better for you than Derby and the stresses of Europe?

I'm in the mood for banana with a touch of caramel.  When I retire I am going abroad. Was thinking Edinburgh. It's nice up there and I am sure there is always lots of help for people since I heard it was sometimes called Aidinburgh. I like castles and the zoo. It's where Nottingham Forest get their players, or so a Derby diehard told me once.

You have made some changes to the playing staff. What transfer do you think will make the biggest difference to the team this season?

Without a doubt my new strike force Rooney and Balotelli… I know that everyone slates Mario but he is a magician and with Rooney behind him I honestly believe we will the league… in fact I’d love, I’d love it when we do! Darmain as well I’m pleased with I got 3 players from Frankie! 3! The Liverpool Echo had never seen a 3 for 1 offer between its clubs apart from down Poundworld on a weekend…

Gino tried to seemed convinced by Beddows faith in Balotelli, if not in the least to show his support, giving a wry nod and a smile.  

So Gino… Europe is a reality for you… how can a club like Derby expect to cope with the rigours of European competition… your great friend JV, found the combination of Europe and League football too much last season?

Last season it was how can a club like Derby expect to cope with the rigours of Division 1 and it turned out ok. JV might have found the pressure too much but JV is not Gino. We will treat Europe as a bonus. I have signed enough decent players to enable us to cope with all competitions so don't worry about us. Oh there's a dog!!

All of a sudden all hell broke loose,  the donkey ride had meant to be a relaxing trek down to the beach but Kinnear's donkey upon seeing the bitch got other ideas At first the donkey looked a bit confused as it decided whether to go for the donkey ass in front or the Beddows ass. After making its choice it attempted to mount Beddows’ donkey, throwing Kinnear to the sand and giving such a fright to the donkey in front, that Beddows was having to hold on for grim death as his donkey took off at a speed that easily rivalled the world land speed record.

It was over an hour until Beddows returned looking visibly shaken and Kinnear thought this was a good time to ask the following questions.

With the Ice cream now finally flowing and Beddows almost threatening to order an ice cream milk shake, the absent Frank Hirst's presence could still be felt even if it was just the topless picture that was visible in Beddows wallet. Kinnear pondered as he thought of the consequences of Stephens move to Liverpool with the relegation of Blackburn still fresh in the memory.

The bookies are in disagreement about your chances this year. They have opened many specials on you and you are the bookies friend. Fredbet have you at 9/1 to win the league but Ladbrokes make you 50/1 outsiders. If you were a betting man where would your money be going?

Have the bookies seen Mario play? Probably not cus neither have many other people in real life for a good while, but I tell you Gino, I tell you, that boy can play, if he doesn’t score 20 goals in Div 1 this season I will sell you Courtious and Broon can have Rooney… Can’t say fairer than that can I? As for winning the league I honestly believe it will be me… but as long as it isn’t Man City and the moaner than I do not care, I’m partial to a bit of everybody to be straight with you.

As the sun began to set on a lovely summers eve, matters turned to Europe and with all those ice creams finished and the donkey’s grazing on the sand, the blond haired busty polish waitress brought them two bottles of Ceres straight from Nando’s and delievered them speaking in impeccable Welsh… What a great place Europe is…

“So the European draw? Did you fix it? I mean I drew Tranmere and some team called Sevilla, I haven’t heard of any of your teams? Can you go far?”

You drew Tranmere and Sevilla? You mean Liverpool drew them, you got relegated with Blackburn. You haven't heard of Trabzonspor from Ireland and Toulouse from Jersey? They are top teams. Of course we will go far. We drew a team from Peru, just how far do you want us to go. As long as we finish top 4 in the group I will be happy.

Beddows looked both offended and bemused at Gino’s knowledge of European geography as he quickly put away his phone after confirming to himself that Jersey was a state in America and defiantly not Europe.

Is the distraction of Europe causing some concern at the club? Lets face it, you are a household name in your own house and your only European experience was when you were a roadie for Bucks Fizz in Eurovision. Do you think you will have the know how to select the right team and tactics when you play more illustrious teams such as Sevilla and Tranmere?

We will cross the Mersey bridge and make those decisions when matters arise. I have barring any long-term injuries 2 strong 11’s and I intend to use my subs as often as possible and as such do not envisage any difficulties, but winning the league is the priority Gino. Im sure yours is simply finishing 7^th, but that’s ok, as someone has to.

FrankBet have you as one of the favourites to just miss out on glory again? Do you listen to the bookmakers?

What is glory to a club like us? Last season we finished 7^th as you pointed out. That was glory so do the bookies think we will just miss out on 7th? We will be favourites in a lot of eyes to be involved in a relegation scrap and as long as we don't get relegated then it’s another successful season. We have been a bit unlucky in the domestic cups as we have drawn the same team in both competitions. I am not even sure where Bye play. I don't listen to the bookmakers. I don't even read books.

Both Gino and Beddows looked thoughtful as they stared west towards Ireland as the last glimmer of sunlight disappeared below the horizon, more beers arrived accompanied by Aldi curly fries and homemade lamb burgers freshly made and brought down from Snowdonia that morning

The story doing the rounds is that you went to Liverpool just so you could play in the same city as Frank Hirst. What is the real truth behind this story? Will the Tranmere/Liverpool games be a lovefest or will you risk falling out with Frank and try to win the games?

Me and Frank fall out? Is the moon blue? Unlikely. However Frank has been top donkey in New Brighton too long and after those Blue…. What do you call them blue newts, blue noses managed to stay up it is going to be another season of 6 Liverpool City Derbies. As for our European encounters I am not too sure how we will approach them yet, will depend on league circumstances I guess.

Gino seemed content with Beddows’ explanation and began to look quite forlorn and sad.

What’s up Gino?

It’s nothing, it’s just I miss my old boys in Paraguay.

It must have been hard leaving Asuncion… what memories will you take with you from your Paraguay adventure? Someone had said that you’d decided to build a guinea pig farm next to the training ground? Is that right?

Yes the guinea pig farm already has the foundations down. We just need the hut, the guinea pig run and the spit roast over a stone fire to be completed and then we will start importing them from Paraguay. My memories of Paraguay will live with me forever. They were a great bunch of girls. The players were quite good as well. I sold funeral plans to quite a few of them. We should have won the World Cup in Italy but they dirty cheating Yanks cheated cause they were dirty. They bought over the referee and insulted my players on the pitch by calling them OAP's. My players were so angry at the end and there were moves by the fans back home to try and invade the US until someone told them that the US and America was the same place.  It was a poor World Cup this time round though and I had to leave. Why did I have to leave? Coz they made me. That's me I'm all out. Cheers Big Ears. Just noddy if you followed all that.

And with that the two legends of the game called an end to their Sunday evening as Beddows allowed Gino to use his private helicopter to commute back to Pride Park.